Established Fall 1988

I wrote this about maybe three years ago and I decided to share. I can definitely read this and see a change in the way  I view myself and life itself.

I have not seen too much or too little, but just enough to mold me into the young lady I have become. Therefore, I approach my life more with logic than experience. Using a little common sense and knowledge of right and wrong, to choose which paths I will travel. I continue with this way of thinking, even though it is not a perfectly reliable compass.

If I come off quiet sometimes don’t be concerned, I am just listening for what the world has to tell me. At times we find ourselves moving to hastily; never taking the time to sit and observe. However, too much time spent on examination can have its downfalls: at times I find myself being too cautious, missing out on life’s spontaneous blessings.

At the end of the day I am only yearning to command respect, nothing else. Of course, it would be nice to have outsiders love you or just simply like you, but I don’t need those things to keep moving forward. I see “like” and “love”, being words of a type of validation; I don’t need right now.  At this point and time, I am about progress and working hard for what I long for in this life. I do not know if it is the best way to view things but this is how the events of my time have scoped my vision. I pray for strength, wisdom, and understanding to get where God needs me to be, because like others I have many rivers to cross.

Inner peace has yet to find me, probably because I have not found me, I do find myself having a lot of things cramped within me. It seems the hardest thing to do is to live up to people’s expectations of you. If I was completely secure with myself I would stop trying to. With so many people to talk to for counsel, I still feel there is no one who understands me or even cares to. Everybody is hurting and I feel I ought to be the one to ease the pain, but I am battling my own demons. I fear the disappointment of telling them I simply do not know the solutions to my problems let alone theirs.

At times I come off confused and naïve, perhaps I am; once all my flaws mixes with that state of mind, I find myself in my own prison where freedom is nowhere near site.  I must say I posses tremendous pride, in the sense that I struggle with showing weakness. So crying makes no sense to me, but occasionally life throws things that shatter whatever barriers once enclosed my tears.

I’ve read this a million times it seems. I am still taking different meanings and lessons from it.

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